you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
