I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
