You can't special order awesome
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
