Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
