Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize