You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
