I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
