im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
