"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
