i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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