What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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