we have pet lesbian snakes
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
