I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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