Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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