can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
