Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
