You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
