I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
