Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
