Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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