operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
