My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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