I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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