i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
