WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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