Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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