Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
