Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
