I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
