I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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