if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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