i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
