the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
