how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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