I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
