I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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