Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
