my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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