You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
wrigley field is MILF paradise
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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