Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
