i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize