He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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