I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
