I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
