I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
