oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
