In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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