dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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