Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I supernannyed him into submission
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
