Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
