I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
