wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
