you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
