i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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